Can you calm your child while you are still overwhelmed yourself?
Not very easily. Children tend to mirror the adults around them, so a parent's calm helps a child settle. Before you step in, pause and settle your own body first: take a slow breath, feel your feet on the floor, drop your shoulders, and let your jaw unclench. When your body feels calm, theirs can follow.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVymQ-2bY7o
Why does your child feel your stress?
In the video, I explain that when your heart is racing or your voice is tense, your child's body feels that energy too. Harvard Health shares psychologist Lauren Marchette's point that adults need to recognize how they feel and regulate in hard moments so they can help kids build the same skills. Emotions spread between people, whether someone is upset or calm.
What should you do before you step in?
Pause first. Here are the steps from the video:
- Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose, then breathe out longer than you breathed in.
- Feel your feet on the floor.
- Drop your shoulders.
- Let your jaw unclench.
Harvard Health describes the first step the same way: the parent pauses to calm their own emotions, such as by taking a deep breath. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) also suggests deep breaths, a walk, journaling, or talking with a friend. Choose what works for you.
What does your pause tell your child?
In the video, I say the pause tells your child it is safe to settle. ZERO TO THREE adds that saying out loud what you are doing, like telling your child you are going to take a few deep breaths, shows children that adults get frustrated and that there are ways to cope.
Why is this so hard when you are overwhelmed?
It is frustrating, and that is human. ZERO TO THREE notes that when adults are overwhelmed, they are more likely to overreact, such as by yelling or using harsher consequences. That is a human response, not a character flaw. It is a good reason to build in small ways to reset yourself, like exercise, time outdoors, calming self talk, or a hobby.
What if you lose your cool anyway?
Most parents do at some point. The Child Mind Institute says parents are responsible for a child's emotional wellbeing, not the other way around, and that there will be many more chances to get it right. ZERO TO THREE says acknowledging a mistake without blaming your child's behavior builds trust and safety, and it aims for a good enough parent rather than a perfect one.
Can parents get better at this?
Yes. Marchette says parents who feel their skills fall short can strengthen them with practice. One honest note: Harvard Health points out that research on shared regulation between parent and child is limited. Most of it focuses on infants and preschoolers, and less is known about older children and teens.
When should a parent reach out for more support?
The AAP encourages parents to reach out for more help if they are struggling. A pediatrician or licensed mental health professional is a good place to start.
FAQ
Why can't I calm my child when I'm upset too?
Feelings spread between people. Settling yourself first gives your child a calmer person to connect with.
What is a quick way to pause before I step in?
One slow breath in through your nose and a longer breath out, feet on the floor, shoulders down, jaw soft. Then respond. Choose what works for you.
Does regulating myself mean I never get frustrated?
No. Naming your own frustration calmly, like saying you are starting to feel frustrated, shows that feelings are normal and manageable (Child Mind Institute).
Is it too late to repair after I yell?
No. Acknowledge it, apologize without blaming your child, and reconnect.
What comes next in the video series?
This is part one of four in the Calm Your Body, Calm Your Mind series for parents of neurodivergent kids. Next, I share simple tools to help you settle yourself in the moment.
One takeaway
This week, pause before you step in. One slow breath, feet on the floor, shoulders down, jaw soft. Your child is watching how you do it.
Watch part one of Calm Your Body, Calm Your Mind on The You Equation and follow along for the next episode.
About the author: Rebecca Mowers Nelson is a licensed psychotherapist with more than 20 years of experience supporting individuals with ADHD, autism, anxiety, trauma, and sensory processing challenges. She is the founder of Abby & Noah Co. and the creator of The You Equation, where she shares practical education on regulation, parenting, and the mind-body connection.
Sources
- Harvard Health, "Co-regulation: Helping children and teens navigate big emotions" (Apr 3, 2024): https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/co-regulation-helping-children-and-teens-navigate-big-emotions-202404033030
- ZERO TO THREE, "5 Ways Parents' Emotional Regulation Matters for Healthy Child Development": https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/5-ways-parents-emotional-regulation-matters-for-healthy-child-development/
- AAP HealthyChildren.org, "Creating Calm: How to Talk With Your Child When They're Stressed": https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/creating-calm-how-to-talk-with-your-child-when-theyre-stressed.aspx
- Child Mind Institute, "What NOT to Do When Your Child Is Having a Tantrum": https://childmind.org/article/what-not-to-do-when-your-child-is-having-a-tantrum/